OK we’re three weeks in. The training wheels are officially off and we can finally start believing what we’re seeing. The small-sample weirdness is fading, and we’re starting to figure out which teams actually have a shot and which ones are daydreaming about the car that will look best with the PLATE. The top of the standings has been a revolving door with three different teams holding down the #1 spot. With more than half the league sitting at 2-1 we’re bound to see another shake up in the leaderboard. Let’s dive into our week 3 matches.
Anthony (141.32) slaps Schilling (118.84)
The misery tour continues. Schilling finally puts up a respectable score, but of course once again it comes against the week’s top scorer. Jalen Hurts and Mark Andrews showed signs of life, but when Jonathan Taylor goes full beast mode for 100 yards and 3 TDs and the Vikings defense casually drops 31... what can you do? I’ll tell you what you do. You laugh. You laugh really fucking hard. But it’s not a joyful laugh. No, it’s that creepy “hands in your face, fuck my life, all hope is lost, kind of laugh”. The kind of laugh you’re just glad the kids didn’t walk in on. “Daddy, why are you crying?”
Schilling falls to 0-3 as his winless quest limps into Week 4. Meanwhile, it’s all coming up Panty: Anthony claims the Week 3 Beast Mode Bonus, the High Score Bonus, and the #1 spot in the standings. Round of applause for Anthony!
Why isn’t anyone clapping?
Coyne (141.20) stomps Graham (114.06)
A long-awaited bounce-back for Coyne, as he takes down Graham for his first win of the season. Jahmyr Gibbs (24.4), A.J. Brown (21.9), and Jordan Mason (25.6) did just enough to help Coyne fall 0.12 points short of the high score bonus. Ohhh ouch! Dang it, dude. Geez. Tough break, pal! Still, a win is a win, and Graham caught the L. And doesn’t it just feel right? Hunter Henry’s random 25-point outburst wasn’t enough to save him, leaving Graham still sitting in 2nd place, but with that familiar aftertaste of failure we all know and love... for him.
Gangus (111.52) wrecks Scotty (74.42)
OK, wreck is a strong word. Gangus didn’t exactly light the scoreboard on fire, but he didn’t need to — because Scotty straight up fell on his ass. Gangus put up consistent scores across the board highlighted by Baker Mayfield and Amon-Ra, while Scotty stumbled to a weekly low 74.4. The Squid Game has claimed its next victim.
안녕히 가세요
Good day, sir.
Scarpitti (122.92) decimates Hayden (86.54)
Have you noticed Scarpitti has a little more pep in his step, ready to cut it up? Well when you can count on 30+ points from your QB every week life can feel pretty sweet. Couple that with your kicker dropping 200 field goal yards, and we’d all be skipping in the field whistling Yankee Doodle Dandy. Watch out for that grin. If this continues, its only going to grow wider. Yuck.
Hayden on the other hand doesn’t have much to smile about. He’s humming the tune to Mad World in a bubble bath ready to drop the toaster. Ja’Marr Chase and Marvin Harrison Jr. only dropped a combined 12.3 points. Wait, Harrison literally DROPPED 14 points? Damn. Good thing Hayden plays Schilling next week. Everyone scores the weekly high against Schilling.
Greg (117.72) flip flops by Garrett (82.62)
Good old "flip flop" Greg. Start Bo. Start Kyler. Start Bo. Start Kyler. My head is spinning just writing about it. Yet, this week it made zero difference since they both played like shit. Fortunately for Greg, McCaffrey is steady as rock and Nico Collins apparently found some loose change in the couch cushions of the end zone scraping together enough points to help Deer Hunter mop the floor with Anderton.
Speaking of playing like shit, Garrett’s got bigger problems than suffering an absolutely humiliating loss. His #1 overall stud, CeeDee Lamb, is on the shelf with a high ankle sprain. But you can’t replace CeeDee with just one guy, right? It may take a committee. Luckily, Garrett's cup hath runneth overfloweth with receivers. He may need them all to fill his big hole... you know, his lineup hole. Just shove ‘em in.
@GANGUS @garrett.girouard @Graham Spiller @Greg Cameron @mark.scarpitti @Hayden @jcoyne817 @sreags5 @SCHILLING @Anthony Pantalones @deanwmoran