Fantasy football can sometimes feel like a sick joke. Nothing makes sense. You do what you’re supposed to do — listen to the podcasts, nod along with the experts, run your little mock drafts, and convince yourself you actually know what’s going to happen. And then two weeks in? Daniel Jones is outscoring Josh Allen. Wan’Dale Robinson is a top-10 wide receiver. Derrick Henry goes from league winner to droppable. And Graham — yes, Graham — is undefeated for the first time since 2021. It’s pure chaos dipped in nonsense, sprinkled with shame. With that said, I'll see you in Week 3 with my usual false sense of renewed optimism.
GRAHAM (132.98) def. GANGUS (110.80)
How can Gangus’s team look so good and so bad at the same time? Amon-Ra St. Brown was on fire with 36.7, Baker Mayfield went off for 23.9, and Javonte Williams looks like a legit top-five running back. On the flip side? Derrick Henry — bum. Courtland Sutton — bum. Will Lutz — bum.
Graham, meanwhile, got another solid outing from Mahomes, James Cook is THE #1 fantasy back, and Baltimore’s defense scored more than half of Schilling’s starting lineup. Graham is undefeated, and that alone should have the rest of us questioning if we’re in the Matrix.
ANTHONY (138.50) def. SCARPITTI (111.10)
To win the “Matchup Blues” bonus, you first have to be a loser. And that’s exactly what Scarpitti was this week. A stinky loser... and a winner of $25 big ones. Anthony, on the other hand, bounced back with a dub after a slow start in week 1. Jonathan Taylor and Davante Adams are turning back the clock, and Drake Maye dropping 30? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
GREG (102.80) def. HAYDEN (98.62)
Greg somehow won despite benching Bo Nix in favor of Kyler Murray — It’s a bold strategy, Cotton... But it worked out for him. Luckily, CMC’s legs haven’t disintegrated yet, and JSN finally showed signs of life with a 100 yard game. Hayden can only blame himself. He finally got an #1 overall performance from Ja’Marr Chase, but it’s all for nothing as his three highest-scoring players melted on the bench.
GARRETT (103.92) def. COYNE (91.74)
NGL. Coyne looks pretty cooked. Maybe not super well done, but medium well cooked. And now he’s gotta go QB shopping as Joe Burrow’s little piggies are going all the way to the IR. And what’s up with A.J. Brown? I hope he’s got a good book to read on the sidelines, cause he didn’t do fuckin shit.
It’s not like Garrett even had a great week — Josh Allen and Breece Hall only combined for 16 points... but wait... who thought it was a good idea to get rid of kickers?? Terrible take. Brandon Aubrey made a 51-yard field goal in the second quarter before adding a 44-yarder, a 64-yard game-tying kick, and a game-winning 46-yarder in overtime. All adding up to over 24 points to take Garrett to 2-0 and send Coyne to 0-2. Coyne is now sitting at the bottom of the league with a stubbed toe. The Pork is fried.
SCOTTY (144.90) destroys Schill the Thrill (83.94)
This was an old-fashioned bitch slap of a match. Schilling’s squad barely cracked 80 points, and honestly, he may not sniff 100 all season. Justin Jefferson... dud. Brian Thomas Jr... dud. Mark Andrews... good lord. Can it get worse?
Scotty’s roster was the polar opposite. Malik Nabers dropped 35.2, De’Von Achane is the Dolphins' best receiver, and even Jayden Daniels scraped together some 4th quarter garbage points. Toss in Tyreek’s 16 and Alvin Kamara’s 22, and it was a 61-point curb-stomping (you know the scene, and you’re wincing). Scotty takes home the $15 high score bonus, while Schilling is eliminated from Squid Game and left questioning his life choices.
@GANGUS @garrett.girouard @Graham Spiller @Greg Cameron @mark.scarpitti @Hayden @sreags5 @SCHILLING @jcoyne817 @deanwmoran @Anthony Pantalones
I did wince.